How I learned to discern between the genuine gentlemen and the shallow charlatans.

''Some men are like chocolate

But most of them are like shit

And if you don't have the experience

To spot that tiny difference

You're likely to fall for all of it.'' 

Source: Sopor Aeternus & The Ensemble of Shadows, Some Men Are Like Chocolate, 2017, Les Fleurs Du Mal Album

 "I spent months crying or waiting for someone who only gave me breadcrumbs'' Is a quote I heard someone say and  I can unfortunately relate to this sentiment where heartache intertwines with anticipation, for I too have dwelled in its melancholic embrace. And now, as I witness others experiencing this torment, it ignites a spark of inspiration within me, compelling me to write.

I eventually recognised that I had expended countless months blaming myself for pursuing an illusion, an idea of someone or the mere concept of a relationship that I yearned for. Instead, I should have invested my time and energy in endeavours that truly mattered to me. Eventually, I took my power back, I embraced my discomfort, delved deep into the recesses of my soul, and forged new boundaries. Clearly identifying my desires in personal relationships, I resolved to focus on the aspects of life I could genuinely control—my studies and healing. Embracing a hermit-like existence, I dedicated myself to personal growth, cultivating my own sense of self-worth. I dressed myself up in my pretty clothes to impress me, I treated myself to exquisite dining experiences and went by myself, I indulged in beloved movies and anime, and immersed myself in the enchanting realms of literature. Whenever depression or anxiety threatened to consume me, I confronted that discomfort head-on, unearthing unresolved childhood traumas. Rather than suppressing those wounds and pretending they didn't exist, I faced them bravely, sitting with my discomfort. Gradually, the tone of my inner dialogue shifted, transforming from negative and judgemental to one of kindness and compassion. I discovered the power of nurturing my inner wounded child,  After all, when my kid was younger, she would always tell me that I always ''knew what us kids need" so I spoke to that inner wounded child in me and gave her the kind words I so desperately needed to hear from the adults in my life but never did. Something truly magical unfolded before my eyes—I realised that I no longer craved validation or love or acceptance. I possessed an intrinsic awareness of my own worth. Furthermore, I encountered numerous potential suitors, empowered with the confidence to discern between the genuine gentlemen and the shallow charlatans. I discarded my rose-coloured glasses, peering through the veil of deception.

All dressed up for me, looking cute!

I became so entranced in my studies and the kaleidoscope of my beautiful, chaotic existence, the comfort of a romantic partner grew superfluous to my sense of self-worth. I reveled in my solitude, savouring my own company. For the first time, I glimpsed the irresistible allure that drew people toward me. Charismatic, funny, gentle, and kind—I embodied these qualities, and it radiated outward. I embraced the notion that being single was not a transgression, as society so often depicts it. Instead, I delighted in the company of my educational pursuits, my family, and my friends. I felt truly fulfilled. As an English literature student, I was exposed to the works of extraordinary authors, whose brilliance had previously eluded me. Engaging in classroom discussions about these literary treasures became a source of immense satisfaction. Occasionally, the delights of post-class conversations with fellow enthusiasts of the written word would grace my life, allowing me to bask in the warmth of intelligent discourse and share my passion with kindred spirits. With all this going on, I became a bit cynical about relationships. 

I remember getting the advice on ''matching his energy'' and to be honest, that kind of advice is misguided.  I refuse to engage in manipulative games. Why should I be burdened with the task of matching someone else's energy? Should it not be the other way around? Should they not strive to match my exuberance and passion? Lowering my standards to accommodate another's wavering commitment is an act of self-betrayal. We always wonder what we did wrong when the person starts losing interest but we should be asking ourselves, why are we letting this bother us? He is doing me a favour by backing off because if he really was interested or really felt the way he says he does, he would not resort to such deceitful games. Imagine stumbling upon a hundred-dollar bill strewn upon the street—would you pass it by hesitantly, unsure if you were ready to seize the opportunity? If you secured your dream job, complete with a salary that fulfilled your expectations, would you reject it? When faced with the chance to embrace something remarkable, would you turn your back on it? Therefore, why should we dilute our own essence or empty our cup for someone who fails to grasp our true value?

Again, when I met my partner, we both weren't looking for a relationship and didn't have much interest in being in one. We just bonded over our love of 80's and 90's movies, especially horror movies. We amused each other with our quirkiness and our bubbly, silly antics about life. Talking to him was a reprieve from my final essays and sometimes heavy topics I had to read for certain classes. With time, I realised I didn't need to chase him or even wonder what he was up to. He was doing all that on his own. I was so busy with everything in my life, I was (and still am) quite happy with everything. I guess he found that attractive because next thing I knew, we began flirting with each other. I never had to guess where I stood in his life. I never once questioned my place in his heart. He made it unequivocally clear—I was his cherished partner, his girl, and he longed to be by my side. In the end, I am grateful that I embraced my singlehood and devoted my energies to personal growth, for it has brought me into the embrace of an extraordinary individual who showers me with love and appreciation each passing day. We recognised the immeasurable value we held for one another and willingly committed to the journey.  We knew very early on we had found something special but decided to wait until we actually met face to face to confirm what we were feeling. One simple look is all it took. We knew we had each other's hearts and what we had was special.  To quote a line uttered only in the script, not the original novel, "I have crossed oceans of time to find you." Knowing what I know now, I would not have squandered so much of my precious time, emotions, and energy on someone who lacked the fortitude to invest in a genuine relationship with me. Now that I get to share my life with someone who matches my energy with the same passion and exuberance, I am grateful for the time I spent investing in myself - and you know what the best part is? I can still continue with my inner work and with my studies because I know I have his love, devotion, and support to go with it!