Tea time and the power of friendship!

"...And I thank you

For bringing me here

For showing me home

For singing these tears

Finally I've found

That I belong

Feels like home

I should have known

From my first breath" - Home by Depeche Mode

Side note: Yes, I chose a cheesy title for this blog post. Yes, you can laugh and kudos to you if you read the title in a sarcastic/cynical tone! I love being a cheeseball at times!

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about my dad. I was a teenager again and we were sitting at the kitchen table. I was in distress. My dad was a very stoic man who had no clue when it comes to dealing with a teenage girl in crisis. He would just casually stand up, turn on the kettle and announce he was making me a cup of tea. 

Anyone who knows me well knows I have a love for coffee but tea can be important too. Tea reminds me of the very few happy childhood memories I have. Tea reminds me of my grandmother who bought me my first tea set. Granted, it wasn't anything special, it was a toy but we would still use the playset to make tea in! Sometimes, she would bring out cookies and we would have a tea party with my favourite stuffed animals. Tea also connects me to my father who innocently thought a cup of tea would solve all my problems. In some strange way, it did!

I decided to get out of bed and make myself a cuppa before I go back to sleep. I needed comfort and this took me to a place where I felt the most innocent and safe. 

Having that early morning cup of tea allowed me to reminisce about the past and I got to remember some cool things about my dad. For instance, he introduced me to ice cream floats, even made me a beautiful doll house, and convinced me that the local fairies moved into it. His serene calm in my moments of crisis helped put a lot into perspective:

I also looked back at some of the life lessons he taught me during these tea breaks. They were many but this one, in particular, stood out. I was going through some major drama with my group of "friends" while I was in High School. He told me to hold my head high and never to settle for anything. I and only I alone can take the world by storm. All I needed to do was believe in myself. There were many times in my life I felt beaten down. I would lick my wounds, gather my strength, say my proverbial fuck you to the world and I would not only overcome any obstacles, but I also did it with style, grace and sometimes in heels no less!

There are many times I gathered strength and held my head, and got ready to do battle with the world. In fact, I can give many examples. For the sake of length, I will give you one example that stands out: 

I was pretty young when my dad died. I was twenty years old when he passed suddenly. We were all devastated. Like anyone who dies in the family, there was a lot of drama. I won't get into details about family dynamics but I would like to point out, I felt like I needed to be the one to give the eulogy at my father's funeral. 

I remember being scared and nervous. I was still in mourning and I was worried I would cry or mess up whilst giving my speech. When it was my time to give my speech, and as I was walking up to the podium to speak, I heard someone say "I don't like her"

Yes, this individual had the balls to say something negative about me at my father's funeral. I wanted to yell and be angry. Instead, I stopped for a brief second, composed myself, remembered my dad's words, held my head high and then gave my speech. The irony about it all, I mostly spoke about my dad accepting people for who they are, how he never judged anyone on the basis of their looks, and how he loved unconditionally. In essence, my speech was not only to honour my dad whom I loved dearly, but it also gave me that moment to shine. It was my way of saying fuck you to this person who would utter something so mean and heartless during a funeral service. 

Right now, I am tapping into that fiery, confident young lady I was because, for the past few years, I have been on uneven ground. If dreams have a meaning, which I often think they do, I take this as a sign to step back into my power. Like my previous posts, this is me standing on my soap box telling the world to eff off! I am done with feeling sorry for myself, for feeling like I am not good enough. I am done with settling into relationships  (be it romantic or not) or jobs or anything that really does not serve me. I am done with just having a job and not a career. It is my turn to do what I love doing and will not settle for less. For a long time, I put my needs and well-being aside for people. No more because getting Covid and going through this whole depression thing has taught me, the people who matter checked in when I was feeling down. These people are my tribe and you have no idea how grateful I am. I am confident that I will be better at investing my time, my energy, and my emotions in people who matter, by people who make an effort to show me that they care. I came to realize that I often invested too much emotion, energy, time and money on things or people that do not bring me joy.

I am done with setting the bar low in my life. When I was that young, confident, fiery woman, I never did. Sure, I gave people chances when I really shouldn't have but I walked away with my head high. Now it is my time to hold my head and just continue doing what I feel is right for me. It is my life and by extension, my son's life. We have a beautiful home filled with books, music, movies and laughter. I want to keep that for him because I never had those things growing up.

This post is dedicated to those who stick by me. Thank you for allowing me into your life and for showing me, love. I promise to be a better friend and show my love in return. Not because I have to but because I want to. Life is stressful enough. This whole mercury being in retrograde has taught me to look for the light in cracks and not focus so much on the negative. Just like that lady who stupidly announced she didn't like me at my dad's funeral, her words bounced off of me because my dad knew my light. My dad loved me for me. I am so lucky today to have so many people who are by my side, and who love and support me. I will do my best to put friendships at the top of my priority list. 

This is where I got the image

I am going to add this here. I got this lovely text from a wonderful friend. I needed this message the most earlier this week and it helped me gather the strength to stand up for my life. I realized I was my problem but I was also my solution. Thank you, dear friend, for your super kind words. I needed to hear this the most because I felt unlovable. Your words really cheered me up!