I don't need your approval

I recently posted about how I set personal goals for myself because this helps me to stay on track when it comes to my depression and anxiety. You can read this post here if you are interested. 

In that post, I briefly mentioned how I might have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and I would like to expand on that.

This is where I got the image

One thing that many BPD sufferers do is seek external validation or approval and have an irrational fear of abandonment. As a result, we tend to push people away before they can leave us. 

Very recently, I sought validation from someone who decided to be a huge ass dick and didn't give me the validation and approval I was so desperately seeking. At that time, I was furious. I *needed* the reassurance that this person wasn't going to abandon me, that this person cared about me and I was important. When I didn't get that validation, I was triggered and became quite toxic. 

I decided to go into Hermit mode and I came to realize that this person wasn't really a dick. They were setting boundaries because they were going through their own shit and had no energy to deal with mine. While the person could have been nicer about it, I think they did the right thing. Let me tell you why:

First and foremost, it is unhealthy to expect anyone to give you that kind of constant approval or validation. For me personally, getting that approval is like Heroine. I get a high off it and it's super addictive!  This is toxic and unhealthy for everyone involved. 

Secondly, I looked back as to why I was triggered and I came up with two theories:

My first theory - I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I only got approval or validation by doing something for her. I never got recognized for good grades or any personal accomplishments. I was constantly put down and she never saw me as an individual. I was merely an extension of her. Every time I did something I was proud of, I was reminded of how the golden child (one of my siblings) did better! I was shown affection by what I was able to do for her instead of just being me. As a result, I now need constant approval. I tend to be an overachiever because I want so badly to be recognized. 

When I don't get validation, I get upset and I flare up. I have intense mood swings.  I automatically think this person is going to abandon me because this is what happens in the past. I am not good enough to receive love. 

My second theory - I am especially bad in romantic relationships. Since my divorce, I noticed that I tend to find people who are unavailable in some way. I know a lot of BPD sufferers tend to push people away and I think I convinced myself I wanted something non-commital because it would be an easy out for me when I feel like I will be abandoned. This was purely unintentional and I do wholeheartedly believe this was subconscious. I denied my true feelings of wanting something more serious because I was afraid. For the record, I really soul-searched for the reasons why I was looking for a relationship. Was it because I was afraid of being alone?

The results were amazing, almost magical! Since I didn't get the validation fix I so desperately needed from this individual, for comedic purposes, let's call him, "Dick", I leveled up!

Like the addict I was, I started going into withdrawal mode. I am super lucky, I have a few friends who know about this and in my moments of needing validation, they are so sweet, they pull through for me. I decided to not reach out to them and just feel like crap for a few days. Unfortunately, this took several weeks but something in me snapped. 

I started validating myself. I started remembering times when I stood up and did what I thought was impossible. I remembered the people who did love me growing up and who gave me that validation every child needs to develop properly. This helped steer me in the right direction where I was able to find it within myself. It didn't stop there. Instead of focusing on my negative traits, I started focusing on the positive ones. I realized that I can do this on my own and as a result, I was also healing that little girl in me who so desperately needed that approval and love. 

Something in me snapped. I realized that I was setting the bar low when it came to romantic relationships. In order for me to attract the type of relationship I desired, I needed to focus on myself. I asked myself some hard questions about what I wanted. I made sure that what I wanted was healthy and not toxic and rational. By having my triggers in mind, I came up with a plan on what I can do to help myself and what I expect from my partner. I made sure my wishes were realistic, not overly demanding or irrational but fair. I realized that what I really wanted and expected from a partner was pretty basic and doable. In fact, if the person was truly interested, he would do these things without me having really to ask for them. 

I realized I was attracting the wrong partners because I set myself up for failure. This was one of the few times in my life that I asked myself what I wanted. It was at that moment I realized that I was expecting too much from my partners when it came to getting approval. I also realized that what I really wanted from a partner was pretty basic. By having boundaries and goals, I am much better at choosing someone who has the same goals I do.   I also realized that I can seek my own validation when I need it. I also learned that giving me verbal validation isn't enough. It is so easy to tell someone you care about them, you have feelings for them and want a future with them.  Actions speak louder than words and in the future, whenever I need validation, I am going to focus on this person's actions toward me (ie doesn't go days without contact, makes concrete plans with me, and I don't really have to chase because if he really wanted to, he would do those things) because I will be able to find someone who wants the same things I do. 

As a side note but equally important, I would like to add that having any mental illness is not an excuse to be used as a crutch or by means of manipulating anyone, especially someone you're in a relationship with. It is also equally important to understand that if anyone feels like "I am too much" or they "can't deal with my triggers"  that is their prerogative. I am not everyone's cup of tea. I cannot magically make my mental illness go away, I have to learn to live with it and find tools that help me. I cannot promise that I won't slip up , turn into a monster, and have a rage fest. There will be good days and bad days. Not everyone can handle that and to be honest, I don't blame them!

I would like to point out that It is MY responsibility to manage my symptoms. It is OK to have discussions about it, get support when needed but not make it the responsibility of the other person to deal with it all. There needs to be balance. There will be days when I do reach out to people but in my personal circumstances, I know thanks to my meds, some personal coping tools I have developed, I am pretty well functional. I do not need a personal caretaker or therapist. This really reflects on my personal situation and not everyone's needs are the same. What works for me, might not work for you. The way I see it, if someone can't stand by me despite all the work I do on a daily basis just to function, then I don't need that in my life either! It goes both ways! 

This message is for "Dick" If you are reading this, thanks for stalking me and reading my blog! I really do appreciate you thinking about me.  I sincerely want to thank you for not giving me my validation fix. I am truly sorry for the way I handled things, for being toxic, and for not really knowing what I wanted. I should have never agreed to a "situationship" because deep down, I think my goal was always to have something more.  I never wanted to accept this because I was protecting myself from being hurt. Which is pretty stupid because I ended up getting hurt in the process! I never saw evidence through your actions that you wanted the same thing and I feel bad for expecting you to do otherwise. I could have saved us both time, headaches and in my case, a huge heartbreak if I had known this sooner. I am grateful for these amazing life lessons you taught me. I know now what I really want and am much stronger. You made me a better person.