Doing it my way

 "...I'll state my case of which I am certain
I've lived a life that's full
I've travelled each and every highway
and much more than this, I did it my way"

 - Written by Paul Anka, performed by Frank Sinatra and Sid Vicious 

I have written extensively on the subject of recently finding my own self-confidence, having goals and just simply living life my way! I want to expand on how I am making my life about me and the key moments that influenced this new way of life.  I am at a period in my life where I am making it all about me! I see the road ahead and no one is going to stop me from taking my chosen path. No one. I have come too far! When I was at work on Monday and stepped into the washroom to take a selfie because there is a beautiful full-length mirror in there, I admired myself. Lately, I have been dressing for myself. I wear my makeup for me. I am not doing it for a job so I can "look normal" or even to impress a romantic interest. I invested the time in my clothes, wearing the pretty Killstar velvet dress I purchased over the summer for me. It feels good doing something nice for yourself. It was a moment where I felt free, almost serene! It made me appreciate the things I do for myself. As a result, I got inspired to write about my professional and personal evolution!

Bathroom selfie are the best selfies!

I will start with my father's passing because it seems that is when I really pushed myself career-wise. I never fully realized just how much my dad held my family together and when he died suddenly, life as I knew it was turned upside down. I was always unhappy in the home I grew up in. There were issues between my mother and me. Things progressively got worse because my dad was no longer around to play peacekeeper and I moved out not long after. The smart thing would have been to have more funds in my bank account as well as save up for furniture and stuff but I didn't. I got a crappy apartment, bought lots of second-hand dishes and trash night became my shopping night. I saved a lot of furniture from being thrown into a landfill that year! I didn't have a lot but I had a home for myself and got a bunch of cats. I needed to heal and be by myself, to have room to think and breathe. I escaped a toxic home environment and the only person I had to answer to was myself. My crappy dilapidated apartment was my palace!

One of the many cats I had at the time. This is Pippin. Sadly, he passed in 2016. He will forever be missed.

I was in my early twenties when this happened. I worked all kinds of shitty office jobs in order to support myself. I worked as a legal secretary, receptionist, and admin assistant. I was very young and very eager to learn whatever I could from these jobs so I could gain more experience and get a better salary. I remember working for one woman, I was her assistant and she was the office diva. She belittled me every chance she got and I put up with her mistreatment for 2 years because she paid well. I remember my co-worker telling me that this boss lady reminded her of Miranda (Meryl Steep's character) from the movie, "The Devil Wears Prada". I got curious and rented the movie since video stores were still a thing back then. After watching the movie, I can confirm, I worked for a Miranda and I think Boss Lady even wore Prada too! The funny thing is, she was a walk in the park compared to some of the other bosses I had. I got yelled at and belittled in front of my coworkers. I was very young and experienced ageism in the workplace. I wasn't taken seriously because of my age, my age was discussed often and even brought to my attention. If I had known better back then, I would have realized that this kind of treatment was illegal. I think what took the cake was when I got sexually harassed several times by three different male colleagues at different workplaces. Also, back then, workplaces had stricter dress codes than they do now. I had to remove piercings, at that time, I had one small tattoo (a rose) on my shoulder and I had to keep it covered at all times. Forget dying my hair any unnatural colour! I toned down and wore colour. I pretended to be "normal" because if you don't fit in at the office, you were let go. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how much you help out your colleagues. If you're not liked, they will find a reason for you to leave. All the while I was dying inside.  To this day, I often compare toxic work culture to being back in high school because people behave in the same manner! The only difference between high school and work was I got paid to be there! Welcome to the workforce!

    I don't know whether to laugh or cry with this clip. This reminds me so much of Boss Lady!

Going back to school and getting a degree was always on my mind but I never took the plunge. I was living alone, living from pay cheque to pay cheque, and the only comfort I really got was coming home to my cats and without toxic family members there to drive me crazy. When I started considering the possibility of taking classes part-time, I was in a serious, long-term relationship with my now ex-husband and we were discussing marriage. Having children was always a dream of mine so school was put on the back burner. 

After my divorce, I worked in payroll and then as a receptionist in the legal field. It paid my bills and was adjusting to life as a single mom. During the pandemic, I found another admin role but was promoted a year later as a marketing coordinator and I started writing content for the company blog! I was so happy! It gave me the confidence to really follow this whole dream of becoming a professional writer! Today, I am in a similar role and I am absolutely happy! 

This is the perfect time for me to go back to school. I am able to work part-time and afford to support myself and my kid. I am very lucky to be able to do this. Now that my kid is getting older and will be attending high school next fall, I am able to devote more time to myself and my goals. It seems only natural that I look into going back to school. 

I spent most of my life devoting myself to jobs because I had bills to pay and I wanted to get out of a toxic family environment. My life has drastically changed over the past few years and I am done being in survival mode. Be it on a financial or emotional level. I can finally let go and finally have my chance to really do things and experience things for me and not because it was a necessity. It's time for a new start!

I am finally able to admit that when it comes to romantic relationships, I am a bit of a cynic. It would have to be with someone who is willing to mesh our lives together. To want to invest and commit to each other. I took a hard look at myself and realized that I am at a point in my life where I am willing to knock some of those emotional walls down and let someone in. I  want to be with someone serious, who also has goals (be it running their own business, working towards a goal or having a cool hobby) because I can't be with someone who is just going to sit there doing nothing while I am out trying to pave a path for me in this world.  The person must have aspirations in life. The idea of me being in University was always a dream and that dream is coming true. Why stop there? Why set the bar low everywhere else in my life?

Usagi Tsukino, AKA Sailor Moon (aminoapps.com)

I realized that being alone in itself is a very powerful feeling. I got my independence, I have so many things to look forward to and I got so many wonderful things happening now too.  Having someone come into my life should add to it, not diminish anything. Looking back, I like to think that I have proven to myself that I can be a strong independent woman who needs no man! I am not a princess who needs saving and most importantly, I can slay that proverbial dragon alone. I have proven this to myself. If there is a man in my life, he better be a strong one who is willing to slay Dragons with me and support me whenever he can. I am willing to bring down those emotional walls I put up as long as I know there is someone by my side who will love me for me: flaws, quirks and all.  It is the first time in my life I can see myself as someone worthy of being loved. I also know that I am ready and willing to fully devote myself to someone too. It goes both ways. Despite all the craziness and being busy like crazy, I will make sure my partner's needs are met too. I am willing to make a romantic partnership a priority and I won't settle for anything less. 

It took me this long to be on this path. I can't allow myself to fall back into my old life. I am doing it my way!