Mental Health Check-In: Fulfilment is key to Happiness

A good visual representation of mental illness (Plan Street Inc.)

If you are an avid reader of this blog, you would know the subject of mental health is a common theme. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was told by my psychiatrist that I have traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I struggle with my issues daily and I often find myself battling with my mind. After years of therapy and shadow work, I like to think that I am pretty good at knowing my triggers and what tools I can use in difficult moments. It is a lot of work and it can be exhausting. 

Of Feeling Fulfilled; Dating, Friendships, Work, and School

I wrote in my previous post "Our Story" about not needing to be in a romantic relationship to be happy. I also wrote that this was a lesson that I had to, unfortunately, learn the hard way. Sure, I miss having that special someone to complain about silly things to, to cuddle with while watching a movie, to talk about all sorts of things with, and to support each other. On the other hand, I have some amazing friends and family members that have my back. It is equally important for me to return all this good energy as well. Work has been going well. I am a marketing coordinator. I work three days a week to accommodate my studies. Lately, I have been doing lots of writing for my job, which makes me incredibly happy. I had an article published on their website a couple of weeks ago and have several coming out in the near future! If you're interested, feel free to check out my "published works" tab section to this blog. I tend to post links to the articles I have published. Since one of my long-term goals is to be a content writer and a novelist, my job is such a wonderful opportunity for me. I have learned so much already. I only started classes last week but I am throughly enjoying and look forward to going to them. I love school and it is exceptional that I feel intellectually stimulated. Perhaps my perspective will change once I have midterms, writing assignments, and exams due! I reserve the right to change my viewpoint later on! 

My Viewpoints and Mental Health

With everything going on, I am surprised that this is one of the few times in my life where my anxiety hasn't been overboard. I am actually surprised by this. Don't get me wrong, I welcome this reprieve from my negative intrusive thoughts. I don't remember a time in my life when I actually felt like this, I am wondering what is wrong with my brain? I guess the way I see it, doing what I love to do and earning an income from it definitely helps. Going to classes and learning so many things, having my viewpoint questioned and having alternative viewpoints discussed is so much fun! Having supportive friends and family has also been super helpful. A couple of years ago, I did some "spring cleaning" with friends and family. I realize now that this was a good choice. Don't get me wrong, I am still anxious. I am anxious about money (school and the cost of living are expensive) and I am anxious about being late for class or work. I like to think that this is good anxiety and while it is annoying to have, it doesn't take control of my thoughts or my life. I think this is normal anxiety that most people tend to have. With that, I still practice mindfulness and often check in with my mental health to make sure everything is going fine. 

A good visual representation of anxious thoughts

No Being a Magical Word and Setting Boundaries

I know a lot of people, myself included, have a difficulty with saying "no" and this has been something that I have been working on for a while now. Lately, I have noticed that I am quite capable of telling someone the magic word (no!) in a diplomatic manner. I also noticed that I can do this without feeling guilty. I just don't want to commit to something that I do not have the energy or time for. I also learned that the more you set boundaries, the easier it becomes. Also, by setting boundaries, I noticed that my sense of self-confidence and self-worth has dramatically increased. By saying no is actually doing the person a favor. Would you want to hang out with someone who doesn't really want to be there? Would you expect someone to give up their time, knowing full well they maybe mentally and/or physically drained and won't be able to fully enjoy their time out?  If I am not saying no to social engagements or anything work related,  I have developed some rules to dating. Again, this isn't a priority right now but one of the biggest mistakes I have made in the past was not knowing what I wanted when it came to relationships. Now I do. I realized that a lot of hurtful things that happened to me was because I didn't state clear boundaries from the beginning. I didn't know what I wanted. I learned that I am not a fan of "letting things flow naturally" and sometimes it is important to state the type of things you will not tolerate from the beginning. It is equally important for the other person to express their boundaries too. I like to think that it is up to us as individuals to decide whether or not the other person's boundaries are something we can contribute towards and both parties can freely decide whether or not a relationship is the right thing for them. It should be expected that either choice will be met with understanding and no hard feelings. 

A perfect example of setting boundaries (The Candidly)

Some Examples of my Dating Boundaries

I learned long ago that making mistakes can sometimes be the best learning opportunities. Yes, I admit, I had my share of heartbreaks but learning life lessons has enabled me to potentially avoid those heartbreaks. In any kind of intimate relationship, knowing your limits and boundaries are important. Having emotional and sexual intimate boundaries are super important and for the sake of mental health, it is imperative to know exactly what your and your partner's limits are.This will avoid a lot of drama and potential trauma later on. While I am not comfortable stating my personal, sexual preferences and boundaries on a public platform, I am comfortable with listing my day-to-day dating boundaries online: 

• Consistent communication is important. I expect to be texted at least once every 24 to 48 hours. This can be a text or a quick phone call. To me, this shows me that you care and I will make sure I do the same thing. Anna Varney Contodea, singer and songwriter of the musical project called Sopor Aeternus and The Ensemble of Shadows sang it best: "When he can't give you five seconds of his time, because that's all that it takes. to send you a simple "hi". Then you have no priority, You're NOT part of his life.He never thinks of you, though he may claim otherwise." - lyrics are from the song, Death House 

• I want something serious and long term. I am not interested in "we will see how things go" or letting things "grow organically" and keeping the relationship a secret. Also if I hear "I am not ready for commitment or anything serious" I will take your word for it and will not pursue anything. Sure, in the beginning, it is OK to not want to tell everyone but after a few weeks, I expect us to tell our close friends and family. On the other hand, I don't care whether or not we change social media relationship status or even have our lives broadcasted on social media. I am open to all that cutesy stuff as well as wanting to keep our relationship off of social media. 
• If the person has kids, it is understandable that they will be in contact with their ex. I am a big fan of co-parenting. If there are no children involved. then being involved with your ex or in regular contact is a big no-no for me. I do not have a problem with the person having their exes on social media and even having an occasional conversation with them but seeing or talking to your ex on the regular is not cool. 
• Speaking of co-parenting and children, I co-parent with my baby bat's dad. Over the years, we have become really good friends and do contact each other regularly. I will deminish contact if the person is uncomfortable but I will not cut contact completely. We are friends and we parent our kid together. That's all it is. There is nothing funny going on!
• As for co-parenting, we do spend holidays together like Christmas and Halloween. This way, the baby bat doesn't feel like she is divided between her parents. I am willing to working schedules around but it would be neat if we all could get together over the holidays. 
• I can't believe I need to state this but it has been an issue in the past. I am a mom first and will not pick my kid over you. My kid comes first. 
• I do not want to have anymore children. I am open to the other person having kids but I do not wish to do anymore procreating. 
• Now that I am in school, my studies also come first.
• The person must have goals or a hobby. I cannot be with someone who just sits there all day and does nothing. 
• To be able to communicate with each other openly and to respect my need for cool-down time during arguments. I have difficulty with regulating my anger and I can let it get out of control. If I ask for 15 minutes to an hour to calm down, please respect that, otherwise talking to me rationally will be thrown out the window!
• Understanding each other's triggers and mental health issues are important to me. 
• There are some things I am willing to change but changing my appearance, the way I parent my kid, my coffee and vaping addictions are not one of them.

I actually want to read this self-help book, it seems useful and the title makes me laugh (amazon)

All in all, I realized that I am actually pretty happy. I realized that by pursuing my studies, working in my field, having wonderful friends and family, and setting boundaries has made me feel fulfilled. I don't need to be with someone to feel that. I am doing this on my own. This is why I think it is critical to set boundaries, especially in relationships, is key to feeling fulfilled. At the end of the day, I much rather be with someone who I can compliment as much as they compliment me. I am very busy with everything, I do not have time or patience for people who only want to be "half-in" and I am quite happy being by myself than being with someone who doesn't make me feel important or appreciated. I want to add something to someone's life and I expect the same kind of courteously. By respecting my boundaries, to me, it shows that I am a high value person. What are your boundaries? What is important to you?