The Little Things

“You know," he said with unusual somberness, "I asked my father once why kenders were little, why we weren't big like humans and elves. I really wanted to be big," he said softly and for a moment he was quiet.

"What did your father say?" asked Fizban gently.

"He said kenders were small because we were meant to do small things. 'If you look at all the big things in the world closely,' he said, 'you'll see that they're really made up of small things all joined together.' That big dragon down there comes to nothing but tiny drops of blood, maybe. It's the small things that make the difference.” - Margaret Weis, author, Dragons of Autumn Twilight, Dragonlance Chronicles

Beautiful snow filled branch!

As I sit in my living room, with my laptop perched on a pillow, I am typing this while I am savouring my morning coffee. There's nothing quite like that first cup of coffee in the morning! My curtains on my window are slightly parted and I can see outside. It is snowing again. There are big flakes, slowing falling, glistening from the sky, the world covered in white. It is so peaceful and tranquil. What a perfect way to spend a Sunday morning.

I remember the first snowfall of the winter season. It was a few weeks ago. I was walking to work in it. While most people would probably complain about the cold or how inconvenient the snow is, I stopped and admired it's beauty. The snow fall promised a white Christmas. It promised my son an afternoon of fun sliding down the snowhills near my house. Sure enough, I get a call at work from him when he came home afterschool. He wanted to know where his sled was because he wanted to go to the hills at the park near my house. That phone call made me smile and I was grateful to have stopped to admire the snow that morning.

This morning's snow fall got me thinking. I don't stop enough to admire the little things in life. It may seem trivial to some but it is usually the little, trivial things that get me. Living with anxiety often shrouds these little moments. I am too busy with trying to calm the monkeys in my brain to really stop and smell the roses, so to speak. It also got me thinking of the book I am reading, Fahrenheit 451 and how despite this book being written close to 7 decades ago, the theme is still prominent today. I don't want to spoil the book too much for those who havent read it but the early chapters really spoke to me. To be spoiler free, the main character meets his eccentric neighbor, Clarisse who encourages him to stop, to think and admire the little things that most people just glance over, take for granted. 

“‘Bet I know something else you don’t. There’s dew on the grass in this morning.’ He suddenly couldn’t remember if he had known this or not, and it made him quite irritable.” - Ray Bradbury, author, Fahrenheit 451

Last summer, my long term crush confessed his feelings towards me. While things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, it just occured to me that I spent so much time and energy being anxious, I never got to fully experience the excitement of this. If I had some magical powers to go back in time, I would tell that girl to relish in the moment. Looking back, it wasn't the fact that he liked me back that got me. It was his confidence when he confessed his feelings. His voice was so sure but his eyes were soft and spoke a million truths. It was the way he stooped down to kiss me and he always hugged me with such force, I could have melted in those arms. There were very few times in my life I actually felt safe with someone and those were one of those times. I would give anything to feel those things again, to feel that last kiss goodbye and that first hug hello. No wonder I wanted more. I wanted to wake up next to him and wanted to take on the world with him by my side. Going forward, I hope to feel these things again someday and I promise, the next time,  I will get to fully relish in all those these wonderful things. Maybe he will want the same things I do and be just as appreciative for the moments we get to share together as I will be! Now, that its gone, I see how much these little moments, shared between lovers are so precious. I do miss him. I really do. Sometimes, it felt like he had part of my soul. We were so similar, yet so different in many ways. You know when you look at someone for the first time and you just click? Like two magnets being drawn together? It felt like that. I was terrified of it back then but now as I look back, I cherish those feelings and memories. It makes me feel good to be alive. 

A photo of me before I went to meet up with him, I wanted to look cute, haha!

I do love to get flowers but it is the small, everyday things that get me. It can be a laugh or a smile. It's getting the occasional good morning text or the have a nice day at work text that gets me. It shows me he has been thinking of me. Its the cute little love notes that are left hidding throughout the house that get me. Its making my coffee in the morning or sharing a stupid joke. I had many past boyfriends buy me flowers but funny enough, it wasn't receiving the flowers that stand out for me. It was the late night jokes, the movie references, a book that was bought for me with a thoughtful note scribbled inside the cover. I love it when people lend me or give me a book and tell me how good it is. They want me to read it, hoping I too would feel the same feelings they did while reading the story. I love recommending books and I love having them recommended to me. Its like giving someone a little piece of me and I, in return, receive a little part of them. It was never the big grandiose displays of affection. It was never the fancy dinners or extravagant dates. Don't get me wrong. I like those things too, I really do but it's the everyday, the silly things that are key to my heart. Going forward, I plan on practicing mindfullness more often because I realized I missed out on so many little, trivial things by being anxious. 

I have been sick all week. I can't seem to shake this cold and I really do believe that my anxiety is not helping me heal. I start school next Tuesday! Reality has hit. I am living my dream of going back to school, I am on track to get my bachelor's degree! I never in a million years thought this would be a possibility. Despite having the butterflies in my stomach, I am going to make sure I stop and remember this moment. I am going to remember the fear of running late (my first class is on Tuesday, at 8am - I am not a morning person) but I will remember the relief of fiding my class. I will remember what the classroom looks like, what the professor's voice sounds like and the smell of the class room. I will absorb every minute detail because this memory will be dear to me. It will be the first day as a University student. Since I have a few hours between classes, I also plan on getting my student ID as well as making arrangements to get the student discount on my monthly public transit pass. As silly as it sounds, I will be very happy to get my ID with my picture on it, next to the school's name. I want to hold onto that memory. 

Another special memory just came to mind. Yesterday, a dear friend of mine contacted me. I havent spoken to her in a while. I have been busy with my shadow work, getting used to a new job, and everyday things. It is amazing how we can just pick up our friendship where we left off. We met each other years ago. She is not the super social or extroverted type. She approached me to ask me a question. I sensed her energy and I was determined to make her my friend! She had no choice in the matter and we just clicked! I knew that despite going through my shadow work alone, she was somehow there in spirit, giving me strength and energy. This snowfall is magical! It got me thinking of her and how much our friendship means to each other. We will be seeing each other in the near future. I plan on not taking that hug hello for granted. I am so grateful for her love and friendship.

A closeup of a snowflake, so pretty!

Not quite knowing what else I want to write, I think I covered everything I wanted to convey, I look back outside my living room window.  The snow has picked up, falling down in heavy spirals. So beautiful. I take another sip of my coffee and smile. There's a lot to be grateful for. I can have all my cherished anime figures, my movies, my books, all my Sailor Moon stuff but the most important things are locked in my heart. The love I have for my baby bat, my family, my friends. The memory of a boy looking at me in the eyes, telling me matter of factly he likes me back and seems confused as to why I would be surprised by this. The memory of my child sleeping, to this day, his face whenever he is sound asleep reminds me of that little baby I brought home from the hospital. I remember how unsure of everything I was. He was navigating through his new life outside of the womb, I was learning the ropes of early motherhood. I remember my dad's last words before he died. He told me he loved me and will always be proud of me. These moments mean more to me than any plastic anime figure I could buy or any gift I could receive. You know what's the best part of it all? I am still here. I am still alive and breathing. I can make more. If anything my new found goal would be to give back some of the joy these people have given me. Also, to fully live in the moment because while I wish I could re-do some of them, they are precious as they are on their own. I have time to experience more of these moments!

The snow has stopped, the last few flakes slowly falling from the sky. Everything is tranquil and I can feel at peace knowing that there is so much I still want to do. So much more love I want to give. There are so many little silly moments that I am going to try to take notice of more often. Those end up mattering the most.

"Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial." - Eric Draven, from the movie The Crow (1994) played by Brandon Lee

Another beautiful winter scene