Letting Go and The 5 Stages of Grief

Setting a butterfly free (Meer)

Letting go of situations, people, jobs, and things that no longer serve you or your happiness is a step towards a productive life. Sometimes the decision itself to walk away is a difficult one to make but usually, in life, the most difficult decisions are the best ones. It doesn't matter what career you have or where you are in a personal relationship. Toxic is toxic. It is imperative to make sure you are living your life to its fullest. We often forget that our time here is limited and we need to make the best of it instead of just squandering it away on someone or a situation that is really doing more harm than good. Sometimes, we just need to walk away and focus on the things that matter to us. It sounds simple, doesn't it? Turns out, there is a whole process of letting go and it isn't as easy as we may think it is. 

Why do we Struggle so Much With Letting go?

• Is it a fear of change or the unknown? Change is scary. Walking into the unknown can be terrifying because we do not know what to expect. It means freeing yourself from your past and things that have become part of who you are as a person. It means stepping out of your comfort zone to face the unseen path ahead. It means walking a path you haven't walked before and the idea of facing this sudden, life-changing path is terrifying. So what do we do? We resist change. We stick with the familiar because familiarity is comforting. 

• Is it a question of having low self-worth? If you're like me, do you often catch yourself in the middle of some pretty negative self-talk? I often think I am "not enough" - I am not smart enough or pretty enough or I am a failure. My all-time favourite: "I deserve to have these horrible things happen to me. '' The end result? This causes guilt over letting go. 

Buddha with a humourous but truthful caption ( Live and Dare)

How to Move on - The 5 Stages of Grief

Now that we covered why it is so hard to move on, the process itself can be a daunting one. According to Swiss-American Psychologist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, there are five stages of letting go: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. All this is published in Kübler-Ross' book "On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss.'' Yes, the book is about grief but the stages described in the book can coincide with releasing yourself from negativity. Sometimes letting go of someone or a situation can be a grieving process too. Let's look at the stages:

Stage 1 - Denial

You can't accept that the situation is happening to you. For example: when the doctor told me that my father passed away, it took him to repeat the news to me several times before it finally sunk in. There were times a personal relationship didn't work out the way I wanted it to and it took me several days or weeks to finally accept that the relationship was in fact, over. I worked in toxic work environments where I told myself "it wasn't that bad" and I was going to "stick it out" Fortunately for me, I was able to move past this stage rather quickly like most people do but there have been some who go to their grave in denial.

Stage 2- Anger

Now that we have processed the negative news, we move toward anger. I remember that once I absorbed the news that my father was really gone, I became angry. I was angry at the paramedics for not arriving fast enough, I was angry at myself and my mother for not checking in on him sooner, and I was angry at my dad for dying! Just like the denial stage, most people move through this stage rather quickly while some spend the rest of their lives angry. 

Stage 3- Bargaining

This is when you cling to an idea, as irrational as it may be despite the facts saying otherwise. Many people use the "what-if" inner dialogue to rationalize things. Personally, I will use the end of a romantic relationship as an example. I convinced myself that the person needed a break, the person needed time to work on themselves, and we were fated to be together. Perhaps I have read too many romantic/tragic stories because I thought we were star-crossed lovers! Sometimes having an overactive imagination sucks, especially in this stage of grief and to be honest, this is the stage I struggle with the most. If I could choose a favourite stage, this will be the one because when I am in the bargaining stage, I come up with some of the best poetry or story ideas I have ever written but it is not very productive to have in real life. 

Stage 4 - Depression

Ok, so now we are at the point where we feel like we lost the battle, we realize that there is nothing we really can do to change the situation but we aren't quite ready to accept it yet. We feel crappy. We may not want to talk with anyone, we may cry and just feel...well..depressed! This is normal. There is good news though, once we get through this stage, we will finally arrive at our final destination. The last and final stage:

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Finally, you have reached inner peace and you can create your "new reality'' all because you successfully passed all 5 stages! You can give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself that you accomplished something very difficult, maybe even something that you thought you weren't capable of doing but guess what? You did! You finally accepted the situation for what it really is and you can finally close the chapter. 

“In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.”  - Deepak Chopra, author 

The leaves on the trees change colour in the fall and they fall off to prepare for winter, in the spring new buds appear to bring us hope of warmer days (Positively Present)

Final Thoughts

Personally, I have been de-cluttering a lot these past couple of months. Over the past four years, there has been a lot of instability in my life. I got divorced, had a few relationships that didn't work out, moved twice, changed jobs, Covid happened and now, I am an Undergraduate student in my first semester at University. In between all these life-changing situations, I focused a lot on my inner healing and did a lot of shadow work. As a result, I had to unlearn some toxic behaviour patterns that directly resulted from childhood trauma. I had to let go of people that I love dearly for various reasons. I had to let go of jobs, friends, family, situations, you name it, I had to walk away from. Since starting my Undergraduate studies, I had to do my share of letting go. Due to being diagnosed with mental illness (depression and anxiety), I make it my prerogative to do daily mental health check-ins. It is important to try to keep a positive and optimistic attitude but you also need to have a real one. If something is weighing you down, it is important to take a step back to evaluate whether or not this is a minor discomfort or it would have an impact on your mental well-being. Letting go for me was no easy task but it was a necessary one. This is very important for me to do this now because I am a mom and my studies are super important to me. My mental health cannot endure situations or people who don't add value to my already busy life! In turn, being the best version of myself possible not only allows me to be a great mom, but it also allows me to be an amazing friend or family member to my tribe. I much rather put the little energy I have left towards people who fulfill me. It is only fair, after all, I have definitely done my share of reaching out these past few months.